I realize I don't do a very good job of keeping this updated anymore, but I just really needed a place to write what I'm feeling. Of course I also did not want to offend people by posting this on Facebook, etc.

If you'll allow me, I'm going to quote Wikipedia a bit:

Lent is "the preparation of the believer — through prayer, penitence, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ"

If this if the intent and goal of your sacrifice during Lent, this post is not directed at you. I believe this is a beautiful and worthy cause because if we truly recall the events leading up to the Death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ, we can find the spiritual celebration in Easter that it originally was. I'm sure for many people, the best way for them to remember and appreciate fully His sacrifice for us is by reliving that in some way in the 40 days before Easter.

The problem I have with Lent is the pettiness of the "sacrifices" made today. Forgive me for not seeing the parallel between your struggle to give up chocolate, Starbucks, or other luxuries in the name of drawing closer to Jesus and understanding His true sacrifice.

The 40 days of Lent is representative of the 40 days Jesus spent in the dessert fasting, and Luke 4:1-2 says, "Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, [2] where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry."

Jesus was hungry. What an understatement, but how much oversight do we have to have to think that as a form of self-sacrifice in our lives we can substitute a Venti Latte for food? Or baked goods for all food? Or checking Facebook for eating nothing for a month and a half? How far are we from understanding this kind of self-denial that we think something so small can help us to understand His torment?

By devoting Himself to this 40 day fast, Jesus was committing all of his trust in God and pulling all of his strength from God. By sneaking a piece of bread, He'd be turning His trust inward and not allowing God to be His strength. A 40 day fast is not something you do while saying, "I hope I can make it!" And a 40 day fast for God is not something you take lightly when committing to or especially when breaking because you only remember you weren't going to eat chocolate when you're halfway through a pack of cookies. Oops.

All of this is to say that I do not take part in Lent because I am angered that it is taken so lightly without any remembrance to the reason. I believe fasting is a fine thing to take part in, but there must be a goal and a reason. I'd like to ask most people what their goal is. Are they doing it to see if they can? To break a bad habit they know they should stop anyway? To lose a few pounds? I'd love nothing more than to hear someone say that their sacrifice, which may seem petty in my eyes, has much deeper meaning to them and for them it IS the best way they can recreate the reliance in God alone to get them through.

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I got an offer for the Programmer position at OMRF!! I'm really excited because it's finally coming together! 4 1/2 years in college, who knows HOW many resumés sent out, and now.... the ball is officially in my court.

Now, I have some time to look over the offer and really ask questions about their benefits, etc. For now, they're offering me a part-time position to start during this semester. That's actually really nice because I can work fewer hours than I am at Best Buy right now but make more per hour so it'll balance out. I'm thinking I'll stick with Best Buy too and try to work weekends because I like working there, plus the discount is nice to have (especially if I'll have money to actually buy stuff soon), and a little extra money on the side sounds good to me. When I graduate I'll move into the full-time position with full benefits, etc.

So, that's that. I'm super excited at the possibility of working with Ryan Parker, and I'm also realizing, after talking with Mark Chan of OC Career Services, that this means a lot of stress off my shoulders with graduation approaching. Very cool. :)

So my interview went really well today. I met with a doctor in the office who talked to me more about what they do. She explained how their testing works with patients and how the office works from day to day. I was a little nervous going in because I wasn't sure what more they wanted to ask me, but in the end she asked me several of the same types of questions: strengths, weaknesses, etc. and just mostly talked to my a lot about what I've done in the past. Nothing new or scary, and I walked away with a little clearer understanding of what they do, which is great.

The only part where the interview when wrong was in the exit. I was pretty sure I was supposed to talk to more people, so I asked who I needed to talk to next. You know, you're always trying to be as nice and tactful as possible at an interview, so I thought a gentle reminder would be enough. But she seemed pretty adamant that she was the only one I needed to talk to. She even apologized for making me come all the way down just to talk to her, but of course that was unnecessary. I'll go back as many times as they want until they're ready to decide who to hire. (I should probably set SOME limit actually.) So, I thanked her for having me and let myself out. About 20 minutes later, I got back to campus just in time to actually go to my class. Just as class was starting my friend Ryan who works at the same company called me. He asked where I was and if it was possible for me to come back... Well, that wouldn't have been a problem except that I was actually in the classroom at this point and by that time the professor had come in. It was exactly 2:30 and he kind of looked at me so as to draw all the attention to me. I totally deserved it, but I was stuck! I sit at the far corner from the door, and I really was trying to get off the phone, so leaving would be more trouble than it was worth but staying wasn't a good choice either! I was quietly trying to explain to Ryan that I HAD to go... class was starting, and he was trying to relay messages between the HR lady next to him and me. In the end, he said he'd text me instructions and I hung up, gave a short apology and explanation, and the teacher laughed it off.

Ryan later let me know that HR would just call to reschedule another interview because by the time I got out of class at 3:30, those people I needed to talk to would be leaving or gone.

Also, someone ELSE'S phone rang during class and the prof blamed it on me, which was kind of funny when the guy actually took credit for it. He sits right in front of me, so the teacher assumed it was me.

So, that was the excitement for my day. :) 2nd interview half-way conquered. 3rd (or 2 1/2-nd) apparently in the works.

Thursday @ 1:30pm.

Prayers would be greatly appreciated.



In other news, I think I want to be a teacher. So.... I'm praying for guidance and peace. Those are the types of prayers I could use most right now, Sammie. :) Since I know you're reading.

Soooo... remember that interview I mentioned? :) Well, I got a call last night while I was at work from their HR department.

She left a message to call back, but of course it was Friday night before I could listen. I'll give her a call Monday morning.

BUT -- in the message she said, "I have some good news!" So...

My hopes are high at this point, and I will certainly update on Monday with the rest of this story. :D

This year for my birthday, I want water.

Please consider donating $23 for my 23rd birthday!

mycharitywater.org/amyebutler

This will be my first "real" interview for a career not just a job. :) Just saying that is so weird, but it's so exciting too. I heard about the opening from Ryan Parker at one of his shows, and after originally thinking there was no way I'd apply for it - since I don't REALLY want to stay in Oklahoma after graduation - the logic finally dawned on me that a job in Oklahoma is in fact better than no job at all.

I have sent in soooo many resumes for all kinds of jobs, and this is the first one to call me back for a true interview. A few have wanted to chat on the phone or have emailed me questions, but I'm finally having to stress over what to wear, what to say, etc.

Oh, details. The position I am interviewing for is to be a Programmer for the Arthritis & Immunology department of the Oklahoma Medical Research Foundation. I'm going at 10am, so if you read this and can say a prayer for me around that time I'd really appreciate it!

I always seem to get nervous RIGHT before things or right after, which is so much more convenient but weird when I'm thinking, "I should be nervous about this... what's wrong with me?!" So, for now, it's exciting but I don't think I can fully wrap my head around it until I am walking in the doors to meet with them.

I also have no idea if they would want me to start soon just working part-time or wait until after I graduate to start on full-time. I just started working at Best Buy again recently, and I always love working there. But of course if this Programmer position sounds like it's something I'd really want to pursue and they in turn feel like I'm the right person for the job, then I may have to cut my days with Best Buy short. It's way too soon to know what will happen with that, but I did tell my manager, Kenny, about the interview so I don't blindside him if I do end up leaving. It also feels good to have his support and approval going in this so I know no matter what I won't burn my bridge at Best Buy. :)

My mom told me about the Women of Faith conference she went to a couple weeks ago and about a couple books she picked up while she was there. One that she especially talked about with me was one on forgiveness. I'm planning to read the whole book at some point, but until then, here's an excerpt I found on a blog:

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have forgotten what happened, it doesn’t even mean you are condoning what the other party or person has done, only that, you are just letting go of toxic feelings and emotions. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile with someone who badly treated you, or live with them or even eat with them or proving that you’ve forgiven them.

This is an especially close topic to my heart, and she knows that there is one person and one event that I have had a lot of trouble forgiving and moving on. I know it's not healthy for me, but it's so hard to forgive people sometimes when you know that they were in the wrong and you will never hear the apology you need...even though it probably wouldn't change anything if you did. Forgiveness is such a HUGE deal, and in the end I have to realize that the only person I am hurting by not forgiving is myself. That person will either have to worry about that burden on themselves or they just don't even think about it anymore. I'm hurting myself as long as I hold onto this.

It's not an easy thing. And it's certainly not easy enough to just read that once and go, "Oh! I need to forgive! Done." No...it's definitely a process, but I at least need to make an effort to forgive so I don't have to go on carrying that pain.

Maybe you're wondering what event I'm talking about, and if you guessed, you'd very likely be wrong. I guess what I'm saying is, look into yourself and find that thing that you think of first when people bring up how hard it is to forgive others. Once you have that in mind, get on a path to forgive that person. For me, the hardest part was how to deal with forgiving something that I know is so wrong. But I don't have to condone what happened. I don't even have to reconcile with that person - that's my choice. What I do need to do is let go of those feelings of resentment so that I can be a more whole person.

Edit: I went back and added a few entries about notable events. Enjoy!

Okay, so sorry I haven't written in a while. Wow. I can't even think back on what all has happened to recount it all now. That's what happens with me, I get in a good writing habit for a while. Then I miss one thing I want to write about but don't have the time so I don't write anything else new thinking I'll get back to writing about that and get back on track.... Then a month goes by and I find myself explaining my absence.

Ahem, that being said, hi. I plan on doing better. I always do. :)

Not a whole lot happened really that was so exciting. More of the same... work, online classes, applying for jobs, and hanging out with Blake. It's crazy to think that the summer is already wrapping up. Wednesday will be my last day at work, and Kathleen is flying up here that night. She hasn't been up here in about 10 years - when she was 7, I guess. So, we're going to spend Thursday and Friday hanging out in DC or seeing whatever she wants to see. This Saturday we're starting the drive home. I'm fairly certain we can do it in 2 days with just one major stop in Nashville. That'll get us home Sunday night, which I'm really looking forward to.

Other than that, I'm just getting details ironed out for my class schedule and housing this fall. I'm excited that I got things moved around so I'll only be taking one class at UCO now, and I'm taking a class with Prof. Smith at OC instead. He's pretty cool, so I'm looking forward to that class for sure now.

I'm also living with Hippie Hanlon and his wife, Elsa, this fall. I really enjoy living in houses as compared to apartments, so I'm looking forward to moving into my room there too. I just need to find out what furniture they have or will have for me - if any. I have some time to get what I need, I just need to know what I need to be on the lookout for.

That's about it for now. Wrapping up another 3 months of my life to move on to the next 3-ish months. I've pretty much mastered the art of juggling how far ahead I can really worry about, but I'm so ready for graduation and having a little more consistency in my life. Of course, that is assuming that when I graduate I find a job that offers more consistency than my life has had these past 4.5 years. I quite literally have not lived in the same place for more than 4 months in 5 years. Maybe I'll get bored with it. I think it'll be a new kind of exciting to have regular activities that I do or places I go to hang out pretty often.

Anyway, I'll write some other time about my dreams of the future. For now I have enough planning and juggling to get me through August to worry about. I'll pick up that dream in September. :)

So, now it's been twice that I've gone to Glen Echo Park for their Friday night Contra Dancing! Lindsay had gone before, and she loved it so I had wanted to go at some point. Finally, Shanna invited me to go with her and some of her friends for a birthday party. I was excited to finally get to go, and now I'm just sad I didn't start going much earlier this summer. I'm pretty sure I would have gone every Friday night if only I had known...

Contra dancing is a lot like square dancing, but instead of 8 people in a square, you have lots of people all in a line. Your partner stays the same throughout the dance, but the other pairs are always changing as you finish a set and begin the next.

This place is so much fun because they are so open to new dancers! If you are new, then you wear a blue button that says "New Dancer" so the more experienced people can ask you to dance and teach you the ropes. And they sure will ask too. Every time one song ended, someone else would walk up and ask if you'd like to dance. The caller would help organize people from the stage and slowly walk through the instructions for the new dance a couple times for everyone to get the hang of it. Then the live band would crank up while the caller keeps calling moves for a few rounds. After a while you get the hang of it, and the caller fades out.

I took some pictures each time, so here are some to recap quickly:




Originally, the plan was for Kathleen and me to start driving home this Friday, but now the plan has changed so we're leaving Saturday morning - just so we can go Contra Dancing at Glen Echo Park. :)

This weekend I went up to Havre de Grace, MD to visit some family. Nana has been flying all around the US it seems recently, seeing old friends and visiting her brother. Since she was up here and not too far away, I drove up on Saturday to see her and all the family in the area I haven't seen in 10 years! It's amazing how quickly time flies by and how much changes, but we just seemed to pick up where we left off immediately.

Kathleen just graduated and is living at home with her mom; Nana's brother, Jim; and his wife, Pat. Jimmy and his wife also showed up, and we all had fun chatting and catching up that afternoon before going out for dinner where Lois and her boyfriend, Scott, met up with us. The restaurant was really nice, especially since we had a whole room to ourselves, so we didn't have to worry about bothering anyone else around us. :) Of course there were pictures being passed and stories of people not present told... 10 years is a lot of time to cover over one meal! Haha! Afterwards, we went back to the house and watched Slumdog Millionaire before crashing for the night.

The next day, some people headed off to Mass while the rest of us watched TV and talked more over breakfast. Most of the family was planning on going to a baseball game in the evening so Phil and his wife showed up too! I think seeing Phil was the biggest change because he's now married, and they have a baby on the way! That was all exciting, and it was nice to meet Erin and get to know her as several of us went out running errands.

I didn't end up going to the game so I could make it home at a decent time, but all our time together was really fun. Definitely if I end up in this area again I will have to go hang out with them again. And if I end up in Texas somewhere I'm going to convince Kathleen and Lois to come visit me!

Nana took a ton of pictures from the weekend, so it's not that I just didn't take any... there were enough cameras going off already. When I get those, I'll come back and update this with a few. :)

UPDATE:: pictures!!

Today was just one of those days that nothing seemed to want to work in my favor. It all started when I woke up and decided to check on when UCO's fall classes start. I'm taking 2 classes there, but I didn't really think to check before telling my boss that my last day working would be Weds, Aug. 12th. OC's fall semester doesn't start until Mon, Aug. 31st, so that seemed like a good break. Yeah, UCO starts 2 weeks earlier - Mon, Aug. 17th. Greaaaaat.

Since Kathleen has already made plans and bought a plane ticket to come up and drive back with me, there's no changing that now. I just have to deal with a super short break between work and classes starting. Lesson learned - check ALL schedules.

Later, I figured I'd check online to see what my schedule was exactly - class times, etc. I couldn't remember my username and password for the UCO system, so I was directed to call Tech Support since I also did not know my Student ID # or Admissions #.

Tech Support of course started by asking if I knew my Student ID # or Admissions #.
"Nope, that's why I called you..."
Right, well, next they wanted to know if I could come in for my info...
"Not possible."
So, I was told to fax in my photo ID and signature. Sweet! CAN DO.

When I called back to Tech Services, they sent me to Student Services who sent me to the Fax Office who claimed to never have received it...... Right.

Take two: faxed it again, called Student Services > sent to Admissions > put on hold while she called the fax people > who got it that time, all to have this convo:

UCO: "We can't give you information over the phone, but we can mail it to you at the address we have on file."
Me: "Is that address in Oklahoma?"
UCO: "Ma'am, I can't tell you that. It's confidential"
Me: "Well, ok... Don't tell me the address, but also don't send my info to anywhere in Oklahoma because that won't be to me. You might as well mail it and my banking info to Nigeria for all that would be worth"
UCO: "Oh. Yes. It's Oklahoma"
Me: "Sooo...."
UCO: "Can you come by campus?"

My mom ended up having my Student ID #, which I used to find my username and password. UCO's super secret username is the public email address they assign to you, which you in turn give to anyone and everyone you ever email on their system. The password? Yeah, it's your 6 digit birthday. At this point, my username is the more secret part of this combo, and if I ever used that email address it wouldn't be anymore.

The moral of that story is: UCO's system of security through obscurity is painful and pointless.

I had dinner with Blake Wednesday. I just went over to his apartment, and he cooked for us. It was really good - Costco Eggplant Parmesan and 3 minute mashed potatoes. :) Then we went on a walk around a trail near his place. It was fun watching the fireflies and making up our route as we went, trying to decide if we were allowed to build fires or not. Not right then, just for future reference, of course. Haha! Then on the way back, we came across a deer! It was pretty big too, and we weren't very far from it when we saw it. We'd been walking and talking and suddenly we stopped and watched it as it took it's time walking away into the woods. Pretty cool!

Every time I'm with Blake I learn a little bit more about him, and it's been really fun so far. As always, can't wait until next time :)

Lindsay gets credit for showing me this.

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People:
1. If you're trying to impress me, you're going about it all wrong.
2. I know it's your goal and within your reach, so why aren't you going for it?
3. Just letting it go would be much easier than this act you put on.
4. I wish I knew the right words to show you the truth.
5. You might think of me as a sister, but I don't think of you that way.
6. I'm pretty sure I can't trust you the same anymore.
7. I'm only doing this to keep the peace.
8. The times you do call almost make up for all the times you don't.
9. Stop measuring yourself in relationships and be happy being you.
10. I hope you can see how much better off you are now even though things didn't turn out as planned.

Nine Things About Me:
1. I'm way more introverted than I let on.
2. I fall too hard, too fast.
3. I stay up way too late at night.
4. There are things I've closed myself off to so much I can't cry about it when I want to.
5. Graduating doesn't scare me as much as not graduating does.
6. I truly want to live in the UK at some point in my life.
7. I honestly believe I can will myself to never have Depression.
8. Being recognized isn't nearly as important to be as making a positive impact.
9. I wish I was more organized.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Love God
2. Make me laugh
3. Do small things to show you care
4. Impress me with your intelligence
5. Dream of foreign adventures with me
6. Be honest, even if it hurts
7. Show kindness to everyone else around you
8. Be patient

Seven Things That Cross My Mind All The Time:
1. I miss Pac Rim
2. I love Coldplay
3. Hmm, Career... Go abroad... Career... Go abroad....
4. I should get ahead on my homework. Oh, look, I'm behind.
5. Is this really what I want to do with my life?
6. I wish I had some kind of view from my cubicle.
7. I wonder what I'd be doing now if I had...... (this part varies)

Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:
1. Check my email
2. Put forth a weak effort at tidying up
3. Brush my teeth
4. Search for the best pillow arrangement
5. Try to read for a while
6. Turn out the light

Five People (or groups of people) Who Mean A Lot:
1. Mom
2. Family
3. Lindsay
4. Pac Rimmers
5. Lambda

Four Things You Love Wearing:
1. Jeans
2. Tank tops
3. No shoes
4. Sunscreen

Three Songs You Listen To Often:
1. Yellow by Coldplay
2. 22 by Lily Allen
3. Why Do You Let Me Stay Here by She & Him

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. Live in the UK
2. Change someone's life for good

One Confession:
1. One of my biggest fears is that I'll never let myself take the risks I need to in order to really enjoy life like I want to.

Originally, Blake had talked about going into DC to see the fireworks for the 4th, but instead a coworker of his, Andrew, invited the guys he works with to a 4th of July barbecue at his house. We've both seen the DC fireworks, so we decided to go see what this party was all about. When we got there, Andrew and his wife said they were expecting anywhere from 30 to 300 people to show up! Apparently he's been putting together a 4th of July party at his house every year for the past 20+ years!! It was a big mix of people that we mostly had never met before, but everyone of all ages had a great time watching the live band, lighting firecrackers, or hanging out inside.

We started out watching the music outside, but after a while we moved inside to find Blake's roommates, Matt and Josh, who also came. They had found the one other guy they work with, so we all hung out for a while watching the Return of the Jedi with the occasional trivia and opinions about each movie. It's been a while since I'd seen any of them, so it was fun enjoying an "American classic" on our nation's birthday. At one point Blake left to talk to someone outside he knew, and a lady came in joking about the geeks outside talking about things she didn't understand. Hahaha! How cute.

Around 9 or so, the Fairfax City fireworks started up, and we had a great view of them while sitting on the lawn at Andrew's house. It was just a really fun, relaxing day overall, and I had so much fun again hanging out with Blake and joking around with Matt and Josh.

Besides Virginia's personal attack on me with it's allergens, I had a pretty nice day off today. It's almost crazy to think about how much I did today.

I got a very slow start today as my allergies were keeping me down most of the morning. They hadn't bothered me at all this summer yet, so I thought I was in the clear. Wrong. Yesterday I started sneezing a lot, and by this morning I was in allergy city. Of course I was too lazy to go get some allergy medicine, so I mostly just decided that as long as I had the day off anyway and not much that I had to accomplish, I'd just sleep it off. I also hoped that this would help my sleep schedule get back to normal, and I think it just might have worked!

Around lunch time I gave Blake a call to work out plans for the 4th. He had mentioned going into DC, but then a coworker invited everyone he works with to a big 4th of July party at his house in Fairfax. So now that's the plan. :) Neither of us was doing much so he invited me to come over if I felt up to it. I figured it was about time I did something about my allergies, so I went to the drug store for some medicine and went to hang out for a little while.

Meanwhile, Lindsay called to invite me to go to dinner in DC with her, a friend from Future Leaders, and some other friends of her friend from Liberty University. After going to Blake's I went to Lindsay's new place, and we picked up Morgan to head to the metro. We all immediately got along great telling lots of stories and taking pictures to record Morgan's adventures in buying her own metro ticket. We promised to take lots of pictures throughout the night, and we did a great job of keeping up with that. We met up with the rest of the group - Aaron, Tim, Rob, and Kendra - and went to Union Station for dinner at Uno's. As we stopped to pray before eating I realized that no matter where you are, you can always find amazing, Christian people to hang out and have fun with. After dinner we walked to the mall, planning to just walk along it from the Capital to the Washington Monument. When we got to the Capital, there was a huge crowd with a concert going on - a rehearsal for the 4th celebrations. So we hung around for a little bit to listen to Aretha Franklin and Barry Manilow before walking farther where we saw the cannons firing. We walked down past the Washington Monument to the World War 2 Memorial, and it was just beautiful to see all of those places lit up at night. Then we walked and walked and walked some more to find a metro and finally found Faragut West. I say this just to remember how far we walked. :)

All in all, today was a very long but rewarding day. Tomorrow should be fun too since I'll be spending the evening with Blake and his work friends and watching fireworks at night. I think this weekend will turn out to be one of the best out of the entire summer.