I realize I don't do a very good job of keeping this updated anymore, but I just really needed a place to write what I'm feeling. Of course I also did not want to offend people by posting this on Facebook, etc.

If you'll allow me, I'm going to quote Wikipedia a bit:

Lent is "the preparation of the believer — through prayer, penitence, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ"

If this if the intent and goal of your sacrifice during Lent, this post is not directed at you. I believe this is a beautiful and worthy cause because if we truly recall the events leading up to the Death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ, we can find the spiritual celebration in Easter that it originally was. I'm sure for many people, the best way for them to remember and appreciate fully His sacrifice for us is by reliving that in some way in the 40 days before Easter.

The problem I have with Lent is the pettiness of the "sacrifices" made today. Forgive me for not seeing the parallel between your struggle to give up chocolate, Starbucks, or other luxuries in the name of drawing closer to Jesus and understanding His true sacrifice.

The 40 days of Lent is representative of the 40 days Jesus spent in the dessert fasting, and Luke 4:1-2 says, "Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, [2] where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry."

Jesus was hungry. What an understatement, but how much oversight do we have to have to think that as a form of self-sacrifice in our lives we can substitute a Venti Latte for food? Or baked goods for all food? Or checking Facebook for eating nothing for a month and a half? How far are we from understanding this kind of self-denial that we think something so small can help us to understand His torment?

By devoting Himself to this 40 day fast, Jesus was committing all of his trust in God and pulling all of his strength from God. By sneaking a piece of bread, He'd be turning His trust inward and not allowing God to be His strength. A 40 day fast is not something you do while saying, "I hope I can make it!" And a 40 day fast for God is not something you take lightly when committing to or especially when breaking because you only remember you weren't going to eat chocolate when you're halfway through a pack of cookies. Oops.

All of this is to say that I do not take part in Lent because I am angered that it is taken so lightly without any remembrance to the reason. I believe fasting is a fine thing to take part in, but there must be a goal and a reason. I'd like to ask most people what their goal is. Are they doing it to see if they can? To break a bad habit they know they should stop anyway? To lose a few pounds? I'd love nothing more than to hear someone say that their sacrifice, which may seem petty in my eyes, has much deeper meaning to them and for them it IS the best way they can recreate the reliance in God alone to get them through.

Thursday @ 1:30pm.

Prayers would be greatly appreciated.



In other news, I think I want to be a teacher. So.... I'm praying for guidance and peace. Those are the types of prayers I could use most right now, Sammie. :) Since I know you're reading.

This will be my first "real" interview for a career not just a job. :) Just saying that is so weird, but it's so exciting too. I heard about the opening from Ryan Parker at one of his shows, and after originally thinking there was no way I'd apply for it - since I don't REALLY want to stay in Oklahoma after graduation - the logic finally dawned on me that a job in Oklahoma is in fact better than no job at all.

I have sent in soooo many resumes for all kinds of jobs, and this is the first one to call me back for a true interview. A few have wanted to chat on the phone or have emailed me questions, but I'm finally having to stress over what to wear, what to say, etc.

Oh, details. The position I am interviewing for is to be a Programmer for the Arthritis & Immunology department of the Oklahoma Medical Research Foundation. I'm going at 10am, so if you read this and can say a prayer for me around that time I'd really appreciate it!

I always seem to get nervous RIGHT before things or right after, which is so much more convenient but weird when I'm thinking, "I should be nervous about this... what's wrong with me?!" So, for now, it's exciting but I don't think I can fully wrap my head around it until I am walking in the doors to meet with them.

I also have no idea if they would want me to start soon just working part-time or wait until after I graduate to start on full-time. I just started working at Best Buy again recently, and I always love working there. But of course if this Programmer position sounds like it's something I'd really want to pursue and they in turn feel like I'm the right person for the job, then I may have to cut my days with Best Buy short. It's way too soon to know what will happen with that, but I did tell my manager, Kenny, about the interview so I don't blindside him if I do end up leaving. It also feels good to have his support and approval going in this so I know no matter what I won't burn my bridge at Best Buy. :)

My mom told me about the Women of Faith conference she went to a couple weeks ago and about a couple books she picked up while she was there. One that she especially talked about with me was one on forgiveness. I'm planning to read the whole book at some point, but until then, here's an excerpt I found on a blog:

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have forgotten what happened, it doesn’t even mean you are condoning what the other party or person has done, only that, you are just letting go of toxic feelings and emotions. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile with someone who badly treated you, or live with them or even eat with them or proving that you’ve forgiven them.

This is an especially close topic to my heart, and she knows that there is one person and one event that I have had a lot of trouble forgiving and moving on. I know it's not healthy for me, but it's so hard to forgive people sometimes when you know that they were in the wrong and you will never hear the apology you need...even though it probably wouldn't change anything if you did. Forgiveness is such a HUGE deal, and in the end I have to realize that the only person I am hurting by not forgiving is myself. That person will either have to worry about that burden on themselves or they just don't even think about it anymore. I'm hurting myself as long as I hold onto this.

It's not an easy thing. And it's certainly not easy enough to just read that once and go, "Oh! I need to forgive! Done." No...it's definitely a process, but I at least need to make an effort to forgive so I don't have to go on carrying that pain.

Maybe you're wondering what event I'm talking about, and if you guessed, you'd very likely be wrong. I guess what I'm saying is, look into yourself and find that thing that you think of first when people bring up how hard it is to forgive others. Once you have that in mind, get on a path to forgive that person. For me, the hardest part was how to deal with forgiving something that I know is so wrong. But I don't have to condone what happened. I don't even have to reconcile with that person - that's my choice. What I do need to do is let go of those feelings of resentment so that I can be a more whole person.

Besides Virginia's personal attack on me with it's allergens, I had a pretty nice day off today. It's almost crazy to think about how much I did today.

I got a very slow start today as my allergies were keeping me down most of the morning. They hadn't bothered me at all this summer yet, so I thought I was in the clear. Wrong. Yesterday I started sneezing a lot, and by this morning I was in allergy city. Of course I was too lazy to go get some allergy medicine, so I mostly just decided that as long as I had the day off anyway and not much that I had to accomplish, I'd just sleep it off. I also hoped that this would help my sleep schedule get back to normal, and I think it just might have worked!

Around lunch time I gave Blake a call to work out plans for the 4th. He had mentioned going into DC, but then a coworker invited everyone he works with to a big 4th of July party at his house in Fairfax. So now that's the plan. :) Neither of us was doing much so he invited me to come over if I felt up to it. I figured it was about time I did something about my allergies, so I went to the drug store for some medicine and went to hang out for a little while.

Meanwhile, Lindsay called to invite me to go to dinner in DC with her, a friend from Future Leaders, and some other friends of her friend from Liberty University. After going to Blake's I went to Lindsay's new place, and we picked up Morgan to head to the metro. We all immediately got along great telling lots of stories and taking pictures to record Morgan's adventures in buying her own metro ticket. We promised to take lots of pictures throughout the night, and we did a great job of keeping up with that. We met up with the rest of the group - Aaron, Tim, Rob, and Kendra - and went to Union Station for dinner at Uno's. As we stopped to pray before eating I realized that no matter where you are, you can always find amazing, Christian people to hang out and have fun with. After dinner we walked to the mall, planning to just walk along it from the Capital to the Washington Monument. When we got to the Capital, there was a huge crowd with a concert going on - a rehearsal for the 4th celebrations. So we hung around for a little bit to listen to Aretha Franklin and Barry Manilow before walking farther where we saw the cannons firing. We walked down past the Washington Monument to the World War 2 Memorial, and it was just beautiful to see all of those places lit up at night. Then we walked and walked and walked some more to find a metro and finally found Faragut West. I say this just to remember how far we walked. :)

All in all, today was a very long but rewarding day. Tomorrow should be fun too since I'll be spending the evening with Blake and his work friends and watching fireworks at night. I think this weekend will turn out to be one of the best out of the entire summer.

Well, it's been a while, but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking in regards to studying super crazy for tests and also thinking more about the HIM program.

I keep thinking about it, and the more I do the more I want to go! It's such an awesome opportunity for me to help others, but I think it will be an equally important growing experience for myself. Do I think I'm perfect for this? No, but I can learn, and I hope that my eagerness to help in any way would be beneficial to the work there. I'm not afraid to go.

This week, I had a long talk with my sister about life lesson kind of stuff, and my mom joked that I should be a counselor. When I called to talk to my sister, I had no idea what I was going to say, but somehow I was able to connect with her and relate to what she's going through to help her. I know that when I was in my teen years, so many times that's all I wanted. I wanted someone to listen to me, relate, and give me solid advice. Not to tell me what to do, but gently push me in the right directions. I was blessed enough to have an awesome youth minister in my life to talk to about whatever was going on, and I think that if I have that ability to connect to people - especially teens - then I should try to use that in a positive way and definitely for God.

I've heard many times people say that the UK and surrounding regions are hard places to minister, but I think that's a challenge worth facing. If we avoided all the places that were hard to teach to, then we may as well all stay home and not talk to anyone. It's hard to reach your neighbor here in the US. It's hard to reach the Chinese with the government watching. It's hard to reach the Japanese with their years of traditions and cultural habits in the way. What makes it any harder to reach the British? And even if it is difficult, does that not make it worth going? No. If I go, and I am only able to get through to a handful of people in my time there, does that mean my time was wasted or that I failed? Not at all. It means that a handful of people that may never have been exposed to God's love were shown that love, and maybe they can also share that love with others.

Like I said, the more I think about it, the more I want to go. I will continue to pray about it, to be sure that my heart is in the right place and that this is truly the path for me, but already I feel like my heart has become more ready and eager to go.

Please also pray for me as I make decisions over the next few months that will affect my future. Pray that I listen and follow God's will for my life and not try to fit what I think God wants into my own desires.

First of all, if anyone reads this, you should go check out my friend Stephanie's site about her mission to Rwanda: http://mymissiontorwanda.ning.com/

Also, I went to talk to Clyde Antwine yesterday about possibly participating in the Helpers in Missions "HIM" Program. It's run through Memorial Road church of Christ, and they send college graduates out into the mission field to work under missionaries that are established in different areas of the world. I told him about my love of England and about how I had thought about all my different options as I traveled around last semester. It seemed like everywhere I went I heard about an opportunity to go for a year or two teaching English or just working as a missionary. I loved Pac Rim and every place we visited, so each time I tried to imagine myself coming back and living there for a year. Every time I just felt like that wasn't quite the right place for me. A year in China... Two years in Japan... Two in Australia... It all sounds fun, but it wasn't until I was walking through Sydney alone one day (don't tell my sponsors) ;) and I caught myself comparing my experience there with "this is what it would feel like being alone in England if I move there" that I realized... "OH! I really DO want to go to England!"

Ever since graduating high school 4 years ago when I went on vacation with my Nana for 2 weeks in Europe, I've dreamed of going back. I even told my mom when I got back from that trip that I was going to move to England when I finished college. Anytime people ask me what I want to do with my degree or what I'm going to do after college, all I can think of is England. "Not sure..." doesn't mean I have no idea, it means I want to move to England, and if I can find a way to do that, I'll take whatever job I can get.

About 2 years ago I went to talk to Kent Hartman about the HIM Program. It was still way too early to talk seriously about it, but I was interested at least. We talked for a while, and he encouraged me to come back when I was closer to graduating so we could see if I was still interested. Well... here I am, 2 years later, and yes, I'm still interested.

Clyde said that they are very picky about who goes, and I totally understand that. It's not cheap to send missionaries, and if they are going to commit that much money (MRCC pays a considerable portion) they need to know that they can trust the people they send. It also isn't easy to go. A lot of money has to be raised to go for a 2 year stay anywhere, and the UK isn't cheap. But Clyde said they do have a standing invitation from some missionaries in Nottingham for HIM workers. Each fall is when they start preparing people to go, so I have some time to consider the program, pray about it, and decide if I want to commit to my participation.

It's an exciting opportunity, and this time it's one that I could see myself fitting into. I want to go out into the world, and it is my hope that God will lead me - mind, heart, feet, everything.

I hate wanting to write a blog and not knowing what to say. It's not that I don't have anything to talk about, it's focusing my thoughts enough to put into words what I am thinking. Ultimately, that's the goal of blogging: to organize my thoughts, but tonight I am thinking too many things at once. All of my thoughts are centered on the future.

After thinking for a while, I've decided Proverbs may best serve me now. I need something to meditate on and consider while planning and setting goals for the future. Obviously, I want God to lead me, but I also have my own selfish goals. These things don't necessarily contradict, but I want to know that I am doing what is right. It is too easy to justify selfish desires alone, but if I am constantly seeking his guidance, I know the path He has already set me on will become clear.

For tonight, I'll leave it at this, and think more about my future. More to come. :)


Proverbs 16
¹The plans of the heart belong to man,
But the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.
²All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight,
But the LORD weighs the motives.
³Commit your works to the LORD
And your plans will be established.
⁴The LORD has made everything for its own purpose,
Even the wicked for the day of evil.
⁵Everyone who is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD;
Assuredly, he will not be unpunished.
⁶By lovingkindness and truth iniquity is atoned for,
And by the fear of the LORD one keeps away from evil.
⁷When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD,
He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
⁸Better is a little with righteousness
Than great income with injustice.
⁹The mind of man plans his way,
But the LORD directs his steps.
¹⁰A divine decision is in the lips of the king;
His mouth should not err in judgment.
¹¹A just balance and scales belong to the LORD;
All the weights of the bag are His concern.
¹²It is an abomination for kings to commit wicked acts,
For a throne is established on righteousness.
¹³Righteous lips are the delight of kings,
And he who speaks right is loved.
¹⁴The fury of a king is like messengers of death,
But a wise man will appease it.
¹⁵In the light of a king's face is life,
And his favor is like a cloud with the spring rain.
¹⁶How much better it is to get wisdom than gold!
And to get understanding is to be chosen above silver.
¹⁷The highway of the upright is to depart from evil;
He who watches his way preserves his life.
¹⁸Pride goes before destruction,
And a haughty spirit before stumbling.
¹⁹It is better to be humble in spirit with the lowly
Than to divide the spoil with the proud.
²⁰He who gives attention to the word will find good,
And blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.
²¹The wise in heart will be called understanding,
And sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.
²²Understanding is a fountain of life to one who has it,
But the discipline of fools is folly.
²³The heart of the wise instructs his mouth
And adds persuasiveness to his lips.
²⁴Pleasant words are a honeycomb,
Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
²⁵There is a way which seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death.
²⁶A worker's appetite works for him,
For his hunger urges him on.
²⁷A worthless man digs up evil,
While his words are like scorching fire.
²⁸A perverse man spreads strife,
And a slanderer separates intimate friends.
²⁹A man of violence entices his neighbor
And leads him in a way that is not good.
³⁰He who winks his eyes does so to devise perverse things;
He who compresses his lips brings evil to pass.
³¹A gray head is a crown of glory;
It is found in the way of righteousness.
³²He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.
³³The lot is cast into the lap,
But its every decision is from the LORD.