I realize I don't do a very good job of keeping this updated anymore, but I just really needed a place to write what I'm feeling. Of course I also did not want to offend people by posting this on Facebook, etc.

If you'll allow me, I'm going to quote Wikipedia a bit:

Lent is "the preparation of the believer — through prayer, penitence, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ"

If this if the intent and goal of your sacrifice during Lent, this post is not directed at you. I believe this is a beautiful and worthy cause because if we truly recall the events leading up to the Death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ, we can find the spiritual celebration in Easter that it originally was. I'm sure for many people, the best way for them to remember and appreciate fully His sacrifice for us is by reliving that in some way in the 40 days before Easter.

The problem I have with Lent is the pettiness of the "sacrifices" made today. Forgive me for not seeing the parallel between your struggle to give up chocolate, Starbucks, or other luxuries in the name of drawing closer to Jesus and understanding His true sacrifice.

The 40 days of Lent is representative of the 40 days Jesus spent in the dessert fasting, and Luke 4:1-2 says, "Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, [2] where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry."

Jesus was hungry. What an understatement, but how much oversight do we have to have to think that as a form of self-sacrifice in our lives we can substitute a Venti Latte for food? Or baked goods for all food? Or checking Facebook for eating nothing for a month and a half? How far are we from understanding this kind of self-denial that we think something so small can help us to understand His torment?

By devoting Himself to this 40 day fast, Jesus was committing all of his trust in God and pulling all of his strength from God. By sneaking a piece of bread, He'd be turning His trust inward and not allowing God to be His strength. A 40 day fast is not something you do while saying, "I hope I can make it!" And a 40 day fast for God is not something you take lightly when committing to or especially when breaking because you only remember you weren't going to eat chocolate when you're halfway through a pack of cookies. Oops.

All of this is to say that I do not take part in Lent because I am angered that it is taken so lightly without any remembrance to the reason. I believe fasting is a fine thing to take part in, but there must be a goal and a reason. I'd like to ask most people what their goal is. Are they doing it to see if they can? To break a bad habit they know they should stop anyway? To lose a few pounds? I'd love nothing more than to hear someone say that their sacrifice, which may seem petty in my eyes, has much deeper meaning to them and for them it IS the best way they can recreate the reliance in God alone to get them through.

Okay, so I've been lousy at keeping this up to date, but at request of my mom (who didn't even know about my blog) I am updating this. I would break this up into separate posts, but honestly, for the past month not a whole lot has been going on. I'll explain...

Since my first week of work, things have been going good in the office. My mentor, Lidong, is really nice. She hasn't been with the program for too long either, AND her programming history is all in C++ too, so it kind of helps to have someone who understands where I'm coming from sometimes. Mostly I dig and dig and dig into a problem until I THINK I found where the issue is, try a few little things on my own...fail...then ask Lidong. Haha! Yeah, that's basically the pattern of how I work these days.

Devin is interning with DSI again this summer, so it's nice to have a familiar face and someone to chat with throughout the day. We mostly joke around with the other people in the office when we're taking a break and make fun of each other. Sometimes he gets on his high horse and tries to tell me what to do. I quickly and shamelessly knock him off that horse, and we move on. :)

I caught up with the Dannenbergs again this summer at church, and it was really nice to see them. We decided we'll have to get lunch sometime with a few of their other friends I got to know and love last summer also. Betty said Klaus kept up with my Pac Rim blog quite a bit, so it will be fun to show them my pictures and tell some stories when we get the chance.

Other than that, my online summer classes through OC have kept me busy in any free time I would have had outside of work. The other day I was realizing that I should have taken summer classes all along the way, but then I also thought about the self-discipline it takes to get through these things. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been as devoted to my classes in previous summers, but with graduation peeking around the corner...yeah, that's a motivator. But seriously, these classes are killer. It's 16 weeks of coursework all squeezed into 4 weeks. The first one, Senior Bible Seminar, wasn't so bad. In fact, it was downright easy now that I think back on it. I finished that one before I got up here to Virginia, and then I immediately started Western Civilization the same day I started work. That one was considerably more work, and I had to keep myself focused everyday to come home from work to read my 2 chapters, take my quiz, and make an entry to the discussion board. It got to be a pretty good routine, so I got through it pretty well. The only thing is 2 weeks into that class, my American Political Economy class started up. Now, one summer class is manageable. Add to that a full-time job, and it gets a little tiresome. Throw another class on top, and.... I don't like when sleep becomes the optional bit of my life.

Finals week is here! It's absolutely incredible how quickly that went. I really feel like this semester went faster even than Pac Rim did. Of course in the middle of it, it felt like it would never end, and now that we're at the end I want some of that time back! My mom and I have a lot of talks these days about how time has flown by so quickly and what my future plans are. Future, future, future. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE talking about the future. It's so unknown, and I like it that way. For now. Making firm plans and absolute ideas of how I want things to turn out only feels like setting myself up for disappointment. I want to leave it open for as long as possible. Consider what my life could be like depending on the decisions I make these next few months. Vastly different paths I'm looking at. It's so exciting!!

Of course I'm thinking about going on the HIM program. If I do that I'll spend the next 2 years in England, which is such a dream come true for me. But with that choice also comes the risk of not being accepted into the program. And then if I am accepted, there's a very good chance I'll face a lot of homesickness. And what if it's not what I have it built up to be in my head? Or what if it is? I'll be committing 2 years of my life to ministry, which is not an easy job. Along with cultural differences and potentially going out on my own if no one else is interested in going on the program with me. I want to be prepared for whatever comes, good or unexpected so that I can enjoy everything instead of measuring it against a standard I have imagined in my head.

Another option I have is to look for jobs here in the US. I feel that I will be in a very good position to find a job with Lockheed Martin after I graduate, and if so I will most likely end up living in the DC area. I've loved it so far, and I'm really looking forward to going again this summer. I know Lindsay and Natalie will be there, so that is a safe place where I will not be alone. That's my main fear about moving far from home. Not knowing anyone. It's not like college where you get a whole new group of friends that are all in the same position as you. Sure I can meet people at work, church, etc., but it's still a scary thought of going out into the "real world" completely alone.

One thing about working with LM that my mom and I have talked about is that they have many international branches, and transferring within the company is fairly easy if there are open positions. If I were to go with LM, there is always the opportunity to move around later, but to me that kind of means being temporary again. I'm ready to put down roots somewhere. I don't really belong in Mansfield. But I don't really belong in OKC. I'm even more temporary in DC. After graduation, I want to belong somewhere. I want to live somewhere without having to think about moving again within the immediate future. Since August of 2005 I haven't really lived in the same place for more than a few months at a time. Even from fall semester to spring each year I have never lived in the same dorm room or apartment. It's actually a little insane, but it's been okay because it's only college and nothing is too permanent here. I don't want to keep doing that forever though. I need a little more constant in my life. Even if it's just 2 years. I'll take that. :)

My other option of course is to look for an entirely different job. Instead of going with LM (or if they don't hire me) I can look for jobs wherever I want. Anywhere. I would love to do that, but I think my fear of going completely alone may win over me in that. Going to the UK to a job with a mentor missionary and a whole church family to interact with is totally way less scary to me than taking a job in.... Austin, TX. Or somewhere like that... not TOO far from home, but just far enough that I'm not with them. And I'm not with friends. And I'm not instantly connected with people. I say Austin because there are tons of IT jobs there, but I would take a job in DC before I went there I honestly believe.

So that's where I'm at. I'm so thankful for my mom, who is totally supportive of whatever I can dream up. I've done so many things that would never have been possible without the support of my family. My mom especially has voiced her support in everything I do, and I know she has stood up for me when others maybe questioned me. I just remembered something she told me the other day, and it brought tears to my eyes thinking about it now. We were talking about...the future (go figure), and our conversation went like this:

Mom: "Man the time sure flew by fast. What are you going to do next?"
Me: "Mom...we've gone over this. I'm going to the UK."
Mom: "Ha, yes... well, good luck with that."
Me: "What? Ha, that's not really the reaction I was hoping for."
Mom: "Huh? Maybe that didn't come out right. What I meant was... You've done everything else you've ever set your mind to, why not this? You can do anything you want."

She's amazing. And it wasn't even my intention to write about her, but that's how my blogs go. Sit down, write, and see what comes out. I think this was a good one for spitting out all the pros and cons of all the different paths I could take from here. More thinking. More praying.

Since returning from Pac Rim, I haven't attended church regularly. I went with my parents while I was home for Christmas, and I've gone here and there when people specifically ask me to come on a Wednesday night, but as for Sunday morning church, I just haven't been motivated to attend. Last semester, it was rare for us to attend Sunday morning service, and I really grew to love those intimate services we held on our own. The themes were always something that directly related to each of us, and I felt encouraged by everyone there.

We worshiped God cramped in a tiny Chinese dorm room talking about being real with ourselves and to each other. We crowded under an overhang on a small Japanese hostel deck as it rained singing quietly and praying loudly for our health and for the health of each of our families so far away. We admired God's beautiful artistic talents on the coast of Australia, sunburned and tired from a day of snorkeling and scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef. We laid out on the beach staring at the stars as we processed our time traveling and our hopes and fears on returning home.

We also attended two church services in one day - a Chinese government approved Three-Self church and an underground "house church" in a restaurant dining room. We traveled 30 minutes or more to the Mito church to visit with old friends and sing every song in two languages. We hiked down a mountain in the hot rain to witness a baptism at the English service in Hong Kong and hear a speaker from ACU. We went with our host families in New Zealand to sing out in our "American accents", which apparently makes the songs rhyme better.

And now...I'm home. And I realize I'm STILL not through processing it all. I thought I was. I thought I had transitioned back, and that I knew the changes that had occurred over those three months. Apparently, I'm not done yet. :) And that's ok. I just need to find out what it is I'm looking for now. Memorial Road seems too big and impersonal now. The biggest point people can tell me about other churches is who offers free meals and how often a month they do that. Why can't we just go to discuss our real lives? Why can't we address those things we're all facing?

I think that's my biggest problem with Christianity right now. I want to be honest. I want to be real, but that's not that people at church are interested in. Let's not talk about our problems...not in CHURCH anyway! It's not easy to talk about problems, and I'm sure if someone asked me, I would have a hard time actually letting it all out, but I will openly and honestly admit that I'm not perfect. That's the whole reason I'm a Christian really. If I didn't have any problems, I wouldn't need Jesus, right? Jesus came to forgive sins. So...it would be safe to assume that all Christians are imperfect. That is essentially what you are saying by claiming Christianity. I am imperfect. I struggle daily. I need help. We cut off our greatest resources for help when we put on our masks and tell those that truly care that everything is fine. Nothing wrong here, I'm a Christian!

I'm not perfect. That's my theme. And maybe I'm idealistic on this point, but I hope for a day when Christians aren't afraid to admit that to themselves or each other. When you're ready, I'm here. Listening.