Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People:
1. If you're trying to impress me, you're going about it all wrong.
2. I know it's your goal and within your reach, so why aren't you going for it?
3. Just letting it go would be much easier than this act you put on.
4. I wish I knew the right words to show you the truth.
5. You might think of me as a sister, but I don't think of you that way.
6. I'm pretty sure I can't trust you the same anymore.
7. I'm only doing this to keep the peace.
8. The times you do call almost make up for all the times you don't.
9. Stop measuring yourself in relationships and be happy being you.
10. I hope you can see how much better off you are now even though things didn't turn out as planned.

Nine Things About Me:
1. I'm way more introverted than I let on.
2. I fall too hard, too fast.
3. I stay up way too late at night.
4. There are things I've closed myself off to so much I can't cry about it when I want to.
5. Graduating doesn't scare me as much as not graduating does.
6. I truly want to live in the UK at some point in my life.
7. I honestly believe I can will myself to never have Depression.
8. Being recognized isn't nearly as important to be as making a positive impact.
9. I wish I was more organized.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Love God
2. Make me laugh
3. Do small things to show you care
4. Impress me with your intelligence
5. Dream of foreign adventures with me
6. Be honest, even if it hurts
7. Show kindness to everyone else around you
8. Be patient

Seven Things That Cross My Mind All The Time:
1. I miss Pac Rim
2. I love Coldplay
3. Hmm, Career... Go abroad... Career... Go abroad....
4. I should get ahead on my homework. Oh, look, I'm behind.
5. Is this really what I want to do with my life?
6. I wish I had some kind of view from my cubicle.
7. I wonder what I'd be doing now if I had...... (this part varies)

Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:
1. Check my email
2. Put forth a weak effort at tidying up
3. Brush my teeth
4. Search for the best pillow arrangement
5. Try to read for a while
6. Turn out the light

Five People (or groups of people) Who Mean A Lot:
1. Mom
2. Family
3. Lindsay
4. Pac Rimmers
5. Lambda

Four Things You Love Wearing:
1. Jeans
2. Tank tops
3. No shoes
4. Sunscreen

Three Songs You Listen To Often:
1. Yellow by Coldplay
2. 22 by Lily Allen
3. Why Do You Let Me Stay Here by She & Him

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. Live in the UK
2. Change someone's life for good

One Confession:
1. One of my biggest fears is that I'll never let myself take the risks I need to in order to really enjoy life like I want to.

Finals week is here! It's absolutely incredible how quickly that went. I really feel like this semester went faster even than Pac Rim did. Of course in the middle of it, it felt like it would never end, and now that we're at the end I want some of that time back! My mom and I have a lot of talks these days about how time has flown by so quickly and what my future plans are. Future, future, future. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE talking about the future. It's so unknown, and I like it that way. For now. Making firm plans and absolute ideas of how I want things to turn out only feels like setting myself up for disappointment. I want to leave it open for as long as possible. Consider what my life could be like depending on the decisions I make these next few months. Vastly different paths I'm looking at. It's so exciting!!

Of course I'm thinking about going on the HIM program. If I do that I'll spend the next 2 years in England, which is such a dream come true for me. But with that choice also comes the risk of not being accepted into the program. And then if I am accepted, there's a very good chance I'll face a lot of homesickness. And what if it's not what I have it built up to be in my head? Or what if it is? I'll be committing 2 years of my life to ministry, which is not an easy job. Along with cultural differences and potentially going out on my own if no one else is interested in going on the program with me. I want to be prepared for whatever comes, good or unexpected so that I can enjoy everything instead of measuring it against a standard I have imagined in my head.

Another option I have is to look for jobs here in the US. I feel that I will be in a very good position to find a job with Lockheed Martin after I graduate, and if so I will most likely end up living in the DC area. I've loved it so far, and I'm really looking forward to going again this summer. I know Lindsay and Natalie will be there, so that is a safe place where I will not be alone. That's my main fear about moving far from home. Not knowing anyone. It's not like college where you get a whole new group of friends that are all in the same position as you. Sure I can meet people at work, church, etc., but it's still a scary thought of going out into the "real world" completely alone.

One thing about working with LM that my mom and I have talked about is that they have many international branches, and transferring within the company is fairly easy if there are open positions. If I were to go with LM, there is always the opportunity to move around later, but to me that kind of means being temporary again. I'm ready to put down roots somewhere. I don't really belong in Mansfield. But I don't really belong in OKC. I'm even more temporary in DC. After graduation, I want to belong somewhere. I want to live somewhere without having to think about moving again within the immediate future. Since August of 2005 I haven't really lived in the same place for more than a few months at a time. Even from fall semester to spring each year I have never lived in the same dorm room or apartment. It's actually a little insane, but it's been okay because it's only college and nothing is too permanent here. I don't want to keep doing that forever though. I need a little more constant in my life. Even if it's just 2 years. I'll take that. :)

My other option of course is to look for an entirely different job. Instead of going with LM (or if they don't hire me) I can look for jobs wherever I want. Anywhere. I would love to do that, but I think my fear of going completely alone may win over me in that. Going to the UK to a job with a mentor missionary and a whole church family to interact with is totally way less scary to me than taking a job in.... Austin, TX. Or somewhere like that... not TOO far from home, but just far enough that I'm not with them. And I'm not with friends. And I'm not instantly connected with people. I say Austin because there are tons of IT jobs there, but I would take a job in DC before I went there I honestly believe.

So that's where I'm at. I'm so thankful for my mom, who is totally supportive of whatever I can dream up. I've done so many things that would never have been possible without the support of my family. My mom especially has voiced her support in everything I do, and I know she has stood up for me when others maybe questioned me. I just remembered something she told me the other day, and it brought tears to my eyes thinking about it now. We were talking about...the future (go figure), and our conversation went like this:

Mom: "Man the time sure flew by fast. What are you going to do next?"
Me: "Mom...we've gone over this. I'm going to the UK."
Mom: "Ha, yes... well, good luck with that."
Me: "What? Ha, that's not really the reaction I was hoping for."
Mom: "Huh? Maybe that didn't come out right. What I meant was... You've done everything else you've ever set your mind to, why not this? You can do anything you want."

She's amazing. And it wasn't even my intention to write about her, but that's how my blogs go. Sit down, write, and see what comes out. I think this was a good one for spitting out all the pros and cons of all the different paths I could take from here. More thinking. More praying.

Since returning from Pac Rim, I haven't attended church regularly. I went with my parents while I was home for Christmas, and I've gone here and there when people specifically ask me to come on a Wednesday night, but as for Sunday morning church, I just haven't been motivated to attend. Last semester, it was rare for us to attend Sunday morning service, and I really grew to love those intimate services we held on our own. The themes were always something that directly related to each of us, and I felt encouraged by everyone there.

We worshiped God cramped in a tiny Chinese dorm room talking about being real with ourselves and to each other. We crowded under an overhang on a small Japanese hostel deck as it rained singing quietly and praying loudly for our health and for the health of each of our families so far away. We admired God's beautiful artistic talents on the coast of Australia, sunburned and tired from a day of snorkeling and scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef. We laid out on the beach staring at the stars as we processed our time traveling and our hopes and fears on returning home.

We also attended two church services in one day - a Chinese government approved Three-Self church and an underground "house church" in a restaurant dining room. We traveled 30 minutes or more to the Mito church to visit with old friends and sing every song in two languages. We hiked down a mountain in the hot rain to witness a baptism at the English service in Hong Kong and hear a speaker from ACU. We went with our host families in New Zealand to sing out in our "American accents", which apparently makes the songs rhyme better.

And now...I'm home. And I realize I'm STILL not through processing it all. I thought I was. I thought I had transitioned back, and that I knew the changes that had occurred over those three months. Apparently, I'm not done yet. :) And that's ok. I just need to find out what it is I'm looking for now. Memorial Road seems too big and impersonal now. The biggest point people can tell me about other churches is who offers free meals and how often a month they do that. Why can't we just go to discuss our real lives? Why can't we address those things we're all facing?

I think that's my biggest problem with Christianity right now. I want to be honest. I want to be real, but that's not that people at church are interested in. Let's not talk about our problems...not in CHURCH anyway! It's not easy to talk about problems, and I'm sure if someone asked me, I would have a hard time actually letting it all out, but I will openly and honestly admit that I'm not perfect. That's the whole reason I'm a Christian really. If I didn't have any problems, I wouldn't need Jesus, right? Jesus came to forgive sins. So...it would be safe to assume that all Christians are imperfect. That is essentially what you are saying by claiming Christianity. I am imperfect. I struggle daily. I need help. We cut off our greatest resources for help when we put on our masks and tell those that truly care that everything is fine. Nothing wrong here, I'm a Christian!

I'm not perfect. That's my theme. And maybe I'm idealistic on this point, but I hope for a day when Christians aren't afraid to admit that to themselves or each other. When you're ready, I'm here. Listening.