Since returning from Pac Rim, I haven't attended church regularly. I went with my parents while I was home for Christmas, and I've gone here and there when people specifically ask me to come on a Wednesday night, but as for Sunday morning church, I just haven't been motivated to attend. Last semester, it was rare for us to attend Sunday morning service, and I really grew to love those intimate services we held on our own. The themes were always something that directly related to each of us, and I felt encouraged by everyone there.

We worshiped God cramped in a tiny Chinese dorm room talking about being real with ourselves and to each other. We crowded under an overhang on a small Japanese hostel deck as it rained singing quietly and praying loudly for our health and for the health of each of our families so far away. We admired God's beautiful artistic talents on the coast of Australia, sunburned and tired from a day of snorkeling and scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef. We laid out on the beach staring at the stars as we processed our time traveling and our hopes and fears on returning home.

We also attended two church services in one day - a Chinese government approved Three-Self church and an underground "house church" in a restaurant dining room. We traveled 30 minutes or more to the Mito church to visit with old friends and sing every song in two languages. We hiked down a mountain in the hot rain to witness a baptism at the English service in Hong Kong and hear a speaker from ACU. We went with our host families in New Zealand to sing out in our "American accents", which apparently makes the songs rhyme better.

And now...I'm home. And I realize I'm STILL not through processing it all. I thought I was. I thought I had transitioned back, and that I knew the changes that had occurred over those three months. Apparently, I'm not done yet. :) And that's ok. I just need to find out what it is I'm looking for now. Memorial Road seems too big and impersonal now. The biggest point people can tell me about other churches is who offers free meals and how often a month they do that. Why can't we just go to discuss our real lives? Why can't we address those things we're all facing?

I think that's my biggest problem with Christianity right now. I want to be honest. I want to be real, but that's not that people at church are interested in. Let's not talk about our problems...not in CHURCH anyway! It's not easy to talk about problems, and I'm sure if someone asked me, I would have a hard time actually letting it all out, but I will openly and honestly admit that I'm not perfect. That's the whole reason I'm a Christian really. If I didn't have any problems, I wouldn't need Jesus, right? Jesus came to forgive sins. So...it would be safe to assume that all Christians are imperfect. That is essentially what you are saying by claiming Christianity. I am imperfect. I struggle daily. I need help. We cut off our greatest resources for help when we put on our masks and tell those that truly care that everything is fine. Nothing wrong here, I'm a Christian!

I'm not perfect. That's my theme. And maybe I'm idealistic on this point, but I hope for a day when Christians aren't afraid to admit that to themselves or each other. When you're ready, I'm here. Listening.