I'm tired. Tired from many things and of many things. So much is going on right now, and it all adds up quickly leaving me worn out. I guess it doesn't seem like that much on paper, but my 18 hours of classes are catching up with me, and Spring Sing is just keeping me from being able to get caught up! I know some things aren't that important in life, but if you never have a little fun with unnecessary things you'll never have any fun.

This semester I took on the goal of winning the Unity Award for Spring Sing. Kappa has won it for the past 6 years straight, but I figured it was a good way to get all the girls involved in Spring Sing - including those not in our show. It's also a fun way (for me) to get to know all the girls in club as we make fools out of ourselves singing and making baked goods for all the other clubs. Of course, beating another club that has held a title for such a long run isn't easy, because they also feel the need to step up to the plate to defend their title. It's been really fun to go and encourage all the clubs, and I'm excited to see who the directors chose to win this year. I'll give Kappa some credit, they have been very creative this year with their ideas, but maybe we'll still stand out in the clubs' minds for our persistence and delicious Gatorade and snacks.

Classes are interesting, but keeping up with so many of them is definitely a challenge. I almost dropped a class last week, but now I'm deciding to stick it out and put in extra time to study for it. Time. That's one resource I don't have a lot of right now. But, at this point, let's just see what will happen and hope for the best. My senior seminar paper is nonexistent right now, even though I have all my research done. Putting it into a "paper" format is my biggest challenge for that now. Then the tests and programs that pop up all the time keep me busy just trying to remember all of them not to mention getting them completed.

Going into this next week, my goals are to catch up over the weekend on some things I've let slip behind and to keep up throughout next week. If I can do that much during Spring Sing I know I can pull my grades back up after it's all over. I've made it this far... I can make it through the end!

Since returning from Pac Rim, I haven't attended church regularly. I went with my parents while I was home for Christmas, and I've gone here and there when people specifically ask me to come on a Wednesday night, but as for Sunday morning church, I just haven't been motivated to attend. Last semester, it was rare for us to attend Sunday morning service, and I really grew to love those intimate services we held on our own. The themes were always something that directly related to each of us, and I felt encouraged by everyone there.

We worshiped God cramped in a tiny Chinese dorm room talking about being real with ourselves and to each other. We crowded under an overhang on a small Japanese hostel deck as it rained singing quietly and praying loudly for our health and for the health of each of our families so far away. We admired God's beautiful artistic talents on the coast of Australia, sunburned and tired from a day of snorkeling and scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef. We laid out on the beach staring at the stars as we processed our time traveling and our hopes and fears on returning home.

We also attended two church services in one day - a Chinese government approved Three-Self church and an underground "house church" in a restaurant dining room. We traveled 30 minutes or more to the Mito church to visit with old friends and sing every song in two languages. We hiked down a mountain in the hot rain to witness a baptism at the English service in Hong Kong and hear a speaker from ACU. We went with our host families in New Zealand to sing out in our "American accents", which apparently makes the songs rhyme better.

And now...I'm home. And I realize I'm STILL not through processing it all. I thought I was. I thought I had transitioned back, and that I knew the changes that had occurred over those three months. Apparently, I'm not done yet. :) And that's ok. I just need to find out what it is I'm looking for now. Memorial Road seems too big and impersonal now. The biggest point people can tell me about other churches is who offers free meals and how often a month they do that. Why can't we just go to discuss our real lives? Why can't we address those things we're all facing?

I think that's my biggest problem with Christianity right now. I want to be honest. I want to be real, but that's not that people at church are interested in. Let's not talk about our problems...not in CHURCH anyway! It's not easy to talk about problems, and I'm sure if someone asked me, I would have a hard time actually letting it all out, but I will openly and honestly admit that I'm not perfect. That's the whole reason I'm a Christian really. If I didn't have any problems, I wouldn't need Jesus, right? Jesus came to forgive sins. So...it would be safe to assume that all Christians are imperfect. That is essentially what you are saying by claiming Christianity. I am imperfect. I struggle daily. I need help. We cut off our greatest resources for help when we put on our masks and tell those that truly care that everything is fine. Nothing wrong here, I'm a Christian!

I'm not perfect. That's my theme. And maybe I'm idealistic on this point, but I hope for a day when Christians aren't afraid to admit that to themselves or each other. When you're ready, I'm here. Listening.

Well....today was test #3 of 4 for the week, and my senior seminar paper is still not done. That's due tomorrow. Today was kind of rough with the lack of sleep I've been getting lately as well as the pressure of so many tests. After talking to one of my professors, I'm feeling better than I was earlier, but I know there is a lot of work ahead of me to get caught up in understanding the material to move forward in that class.

On the other hand, Spring Sing is creeping up on us, and it's amazing to think how close we are to being done. We learned our last song last night then did a complete run through of the entire show. I'm looking forward to our next several practices of just running through it again and again and perfecting the parts we're not doing quite right yet. For me...that's a majority of the show. :) I love our show, and I'm trying to get it right, but it will just take some more practice. As far as Unity goes, I've been working on that overtime lately to make sure we finish strong. Only one more week left for unity, so I want to make sure the directors remember the support and encouragement we offered this year. The girls have been great in bringing supplies - Gatorade, brownie mix, etc. - and now I've got our schedule done and trying to get girls to commit to showing up for different meeting times.

Lambda has been such an encouragement to me this semester. I know sometimes others may see it as just another activity to eat into my time, but honestly without Lambda I wouldn't have gotten so much encouragement, and I think I would have a much harder time this semester. Being back from studying abroad is its own challenge, then add on being unemployed, taking 18 credit hours and trying to participate in Spring Sing, and I am SO glad they are here to catch me when I fall short and vice-versa. Spring Sing has helped me a lot also in my self-esteem. I know I've been losing weight this semester, and it's just a great way to stay active and get some socializing time in between all my homework. Not having a job has severely limited my options as far as going out with friends for fun time, but if all I have to do to see my friends and laugh for an hour or so at our ridiculous behavior and nonsense is meet at the gym or a classroom on campus to have an intense workout...I'm there!